N.J.C
Established Muse
Posts: 159
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Post by N.J.C on Nov 23, 2010 2:25:50 GMT -5
My brain is at ease as this ink bleeds on this one peas of pale tree,
but my sole is at cold because these words wont ever glow....
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Post by Astarael ~ Enduring on Dec 12, 2010 6:27:14 GMT -5
I liked the second stanza, it works really well. You capture the pain and frustration well.
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N.J.C
Established Muse
Posts: 159
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Post by N.J.C on Dec 22, 2010 0:35:49 GMT -5
thankyou , and thanks for keeping an eye on my stuff
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Post by boxieblue on Dec 25, 2010 5:54:41 GMT -5
hi Clyde. before i am able to comment on your work, i would like to know what the words "peas" and "sole" mean in this poem sorry, i am just a little ignorant My brain is at ease as this ink bleeds on this one peas of pale tree, but my sole is at cold because these words wont ever glow....
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N.J.C
Established Muse
Posts: 159
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Post by N.J.C on Dec 25, 2010 12:47:53 GMT -5
In my eyes instead of piece I put peas, instead of soul,I put sole... I wanted to capture people's attention by any means,
Like you,I made you stop and think,is this guy f------ illiterate,lol This was my first piece I wrote So I tried replacing words to confuse people,
And we control words so why not experiment with em this was my way of showing my frustration
Thanks for reading
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Post by boxieblue on Dec 26, 2010 5:48:18 GMT -5
ahh..so this was your first piece? really good, then. i must admit that replacing the words like you did didn't really work for me. it would have been fine if you had found alternate spellings that weren't in the dictionary...but "peas" and "sole" are just going to confuse a lot of people, especially non-poets i love the line "this ink bleeds" the ending could have been stronger. Regards, Blue In my eyes instead of piece I put peas, instead of soul,I put sole... I wanted to capture people's attention by any means, Like you,I made you stop and think,is this guy f------ illiterate,lol This was my first piece I wrote So I tried replacing words to confuse people, And we control words so why not experiment with em this was my way of showing my frustration Thanks for reading
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N.J.C
Established Muse
Posts: 159
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Post by N.J.C on Dec 28, 2010 18:51:48 GMT -5
Yea, they told me about doing that And its true it takes away rather then give.
I would fix it but it was my first piece So I just left it as it was to learn from it I know for sure I'm gonna do A part two of it thing is I'm still learning Thanks for the tips though
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