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Post by pauseplay on Jan 31, 2006 20:57:45 GMT -5
you lace me in your deadly charm, echo a naked and cold passion, chortle haunted poetry when i silently choke in our embrace.
i will laugh and never plead for truth.
but please, end the moment.
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nis
New Member
Posts: 5
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Post by nis on Feb 9, 2006 15:36:09 GMT -5
It has a great image and a haunting tone to it however I feel too unattached because it does not flow properly. The first line flows so nicely and then i feel uncomfortably stopped in the next few lines. This may be your intention but i do not think it works here. I also think you should alter the last line because it doesn't have enouhg impact to it. But like i said keep at it and you will have a fantastic peice of writing. I can't wait to read an updated version of this because I did feel the emotion you bestowed in it. I really did enjoy reading this.
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Post by Weep Not For Mortimer on Apr 30, 2006 14:25:22 GMT -5
I think I mostly agree with the previous reviewer. I would like to add that the phrases are probably due to the words available in the drops of poetry tool - adding a few syllables here and there should make it flow a lot better in my opinion; You lace me in your deadly charm, Echoing a naked and cold passion. etc. I think the actual words you used and the meaning behind the whole thing is marvellous. Just needs a minimal amount of polishing. And personally, I really like the last line. - Sleep
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dolcetta
Wandering Muse
Amo ergo sum. Amor ergo sum.
Posts: 13
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Post by dolcetta on May 16, 2006 23:45:41 GMT -5
Pauseplay, I'm new here, and as I've been reading these Drops, I keep coming back to yours. It's making me ... pause. (hmm...) It is indeed haunting. I think I connect because I too have silently choked in an intoxicating moment as the poetry of it laughed. I hope you keep posting!
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