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Post by clearbluespark on Jan 6, 2009 21:37:56 GMT -5
Melancholy chilliness shimmered across my face... Risking complex hate, I lifted and walked away surrounding ourselves with our backs toward the mountains, you removed your boots and let your toes graze the grasses... I supported you in these moments with brown, burgundy, and orange leaves wilting from my hands...throwing them rapidly, and noting how they spread... A blanket of Autumn continually worked itself around us, the daughter and son of this tender time, lost in rewind...
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Post by bcoyotey on Jan 7, 2009 14:01:38 GMT -5
Applause! This is a fabulous drops. The flow is great. The imagery is clear and vivid. The writing is poignant and lovely. In fact, other than the form, I think it's perfect. Wonderful Drops clearblue. Bravo. Lady B
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Post by clearbluespark on Jan 7, 2009 20:09:31 GMT -5
Thanks Lady B...I really appreciate your thoughts and comments. I am glad you liked it, and I agree, the form is a little "ragged." Thanks again!
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Post by bobswife4ever (surgery soon) on Jan 8, 2009 1:17:49 GMT -5
I have to agree with Lady B on this. This was as close to perfect as I have seen in like forever...lol. And you used the drops so beautifully. You truly have a vibrant and creative imagination and your pen is talented as well. Nicely done.
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Post by clearbluespark on Jan 8, 2009 12:31:02 GMT -5
Thank you very much bobswife4ever! I am flattered at your comments. Thanks again for reading this, and writing your thoughts...I truly appreciate them.
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Post by unsinkmolly on Jan 24, 2009 13:08:32 GMT -5
Nurtured [love the optimistic title]
Melancholy chilliness shimmered across my face... [nice shift from subject to verb, negative to positive.. shimmered...] Risking complex hate, I lifted and walked away [interesting.. risking complex hate.... exciting] surrounding ourselves with our backs toward the mountains, you removed your boots and let your toes graze the grasses... [back to mountains choice is positive and removing boots, too, a positive release ... and "toes graze the grasses" how sensually delicious... and the gr sounds and the z/s sound so perfect] I supported you in these moments with brown, burgundy, and orange leaves wilting from my hands...throwing them rapidly, and noting how they spread... [such dramatic action ... and I like the idea of "supporting" ... "wilting" from my hands then throwing them rapidly seemed a bit too discordant and contradictory and my only issue so far, though dried leaves would defy the force of one trying to throw and act wilty... but the wilty word jars me with its negative connotations unless you acknowledge the contradiction within the poem ... trying to throw dried leaves and not being so effective] A blanket of Autumn continually worked itself around us, the daughter and son of this tender time, lost in rewind... [love the time/rewind rhyme! blanket of Autumn so nice... and what an interesting way to say it... "continually worked itself around us" .. how setting envelopes mood] ["tender time" so sweet introduced by daughter and son of.. very nice] ["lost in rewind" says so much in such a cryptic, charming way]
BRAVO! clear
best, molly
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Post by clearbluespark on Jan 24, 2009 21:39:05 GMT -5
Thank you very much Molly! I really appreciate your feedback, it means a lot to have someone provide such thorough and thoughtful constructive criticism. Thanks again, CbS
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