|
Post by -)|(- Naidra -)|(- on Nov 5, 2010 8:53:48 GMT -5
She breezes above mature woods into the crisp mountains He crawls below the sod, behind the stiff leaves In their ritual chamber Rivals face Exchange kisses Suffer loves tears Then leaves She into grave beneath autumn’s endless blanket He proceeds a pace into triumph throughout
|
|
|
Post by Musie (Breathing deeply) on Nov 8, 2010 16:35:22 GMT -5
niadra~Hi! If no one has welcomed you to the site..glad you are here....now I've read this piece and I like the story, and I don't know if your in for some advice..but for me..there were a few thing's that were bothersome...Such as did you mean "behind the stiff leaves" or leaf's? "Then leaves she into grave" Just a bit there that I personally could not make sense of sorry to say...maybe just a little bit of tweaking to make this ring true with your Title...? MHO...musie...
|
|
|
Post by Astarael ~ Enduring on Nov 8, 2010 19:50:26 GMT -5
I saw this as the dance of courtship between summer and winter, able to meet for only a moment, beautiful drops, excellently done.
|
|
|
Post by -)|(- Naidra -)|(- on Nov 9, 2010 10:45:17 GMT -5
Thanks for your comments and I agree that is doesn't work so I wrote a full version in nature section called 'Seasonal Lovers II' if your interested. this was my first attempt at this form of poetry and enjoyed the process but think I need a lot more practice But point taken, try to better next time
|
|